How would you describe yourself? How would your best friend describe you? (reach-back to 2012)
From November 20, 2012.
2. How would you describe yourself? How would your best friend describe you?
Does this really matter all that much?
Me:
- Practical
- Caring
- Struggling
- Half-blind
- Wobbly
- Placated
Others:
- Egalitarian
- Not sick
- Drunk
- Difficult
But back to the question I asked; to me, it doesn’t matter so long as my wife still loves me, and I don’t hate myself. In the last few years, some people I’ve thought were good friends have revealed themselves to be something else. Others have drifted into their own special worlds (some slightly off). Others, still, have just ignored everything that’s been going on with me. *makes W sign with fingers* It happens. I’m mostly content with my circles now.
Actually, you know what, I’m really content with my circles now. Why? I don’t have to hide things anymore. I have approval from the people whose opinions I care about. How have I done that? Being me, flaws and all…..
I spent the afternoon getting my handicapped access for WMATA.
Given that this was only a few weeks before my life would be thrown into utter chaos, maybe I can reflect some on my naivety.
I don’t know that there’s really a lot to add, really, with where I am now.
I do understand better why I do some of what I do. Obviously, I have OCD, which explains a lot of my behavior. Some of that was overreaction to my various physical maladies; habits I developed to address something I couldn’t explain.
Coping with the exposures, and denying, or at least delaying, the reactions has been incredibly difficult.
That so many of my senses are dulled helps, maybe. Something that would have sent me into a major response condition.
But, because I’m lazy AF, (As an aside, I just told a fucking contract recruiter that I didn’t want to work for the [US]AF….) I’m going to address each of these from whether they were true then, and whether they’re still true.
- Practical
Yes. I think so. My penchant for frivolity was certainly curtailed by poverty.
And, because I’ve been unable to afford anything, combined with the declining to enjoy anything.
- Caring
I try to be. I also try to be without demanding certain behavior in response.
- Struggling
Certainly not as much as I would be a few months after I first wrote that, but, yes, every day is tough. Two folks who were in the waiting room with me this afternoon were talking about how they’d retired, and were happily still working at their leisure. A bit of jealousy? Sure. But, again, would I even be able to enjoy that?
- Half-blind
I think this might be a big part of why there’s so few things I can enjoy.
- Wobbly
Very much so.
- Placated
I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this. I’m guessing it was something work-related. With my start-from-zero attitude the past few years, I think the reverse is true; nobody owes me anything, and I don’t owe anyone anything.
- Egalitarian
This is kind of intertwining with one of the offhanded conversations I’m currently having in IRC. I’m not going to, like a good Progressive, give you what I’m convinced you need (and give it to you good and hard).
(The discussion was about one of my fears, that of Medicaid For All [Yes, I get that Pocahontas says it’s Medicare For All, but it’d be Medicaid, and completely kill private health care]….Single-payer health care would not only completely kill the private provider industry, it’d, by its very construction, kill everything that deviates from “standard” treatment regimes. As someone with a condition that’s not well-understood, that’s really bad news. If you’re someone with Type II Diabetes, it’s probably a great thing)
- Not sick
That one is harder to fake these days. That I carry a cane in public is noticeable.
- Drunk
I have so little these days, it’s not even worth discussing. I’ve been in this new place now over a week, and I’ve had no distilled liquor at all. I’ve had a few beers. Sober AF.
- Difficult
I can be, sure, but I’m much more likely to just leave if I really disagree with something.
You can leave.