Author: sean

Write about three things you did for the first time in the past year.

Oh my. I was going to see if there was a way to say “vote for Donald Trump,” but I can’t even figure out a way to make that sound even marginally-plausible.

This has been a completely crazy year, but I guess the biggest thing is that I’m finally learning to say, “that’s enough.” Yes, there’s times when I do need to push myself to get something accomplished. Rarely is that resignation because of something I want, but I’m trying to get better at prioritizing.

But, intertwined with that answer, “retire.” Yes, I’m scratching around a bit for shifting focus to finding a new job if this appeal doesn’t work. Find something that’s completely outside the realm where I spent most of my professional life? Um. I’m not sure what really applicable I have at this point, and it wouldn’t pay nearly as well as something similar to what I’d been doing. so, how about no? I am finished, and I’m okay with that….if things get approved satisfactorily. My days of waking up, working out, fumbling around for a bit on the guitar, then writing suit me just fine.

There’s really not even much shame in it anymore. I’ve done what I need to do. I don’t owe anybody any money. Settle in to a life of resolution; I’m pretty sure I’m not going to live a very long time.

So, we’ll say that #1 is “retire, and be okay with that.”

#2 would be deal with loss of a pet that’s been my responsibility, at least partially-financially. Losing that little dog has been tough. I’m sure it’s been worse on my wife, but it’s still difficult not to look for her, and behave as if she’s still creeping about.

So. Number three. I really don’t have anything that’s coming to mind. I bought a life insurance policy on myself…?

This prompt was something short from 2017.

I’m trying to remember what I’d come up to interview for. Given that I came into Union Station in DC, I’d imagine it was probably something GS. I have no idea, and I’m not interested enough to look back to see what the hell it was.

But, geez, I love the city. Went to see David Garrett last night. Good show. The Venue might be exactly the sort of thing that the authors of the Americans With Disabilities Act were worried about. Uneven undulating floors, odd stairs to get to the bathroom, though there was one handicapper-accessible toilet on the main floor….after you’d gotten up the weird slanted walkway to the top of the theater area.

And, there I go again, tempted to apologize for the cop-out on #3. It’s still a habit.

Halftime

It feels like there should be less time left on this.

Trying to do so many different things can be exhausting. That neither my wife or I have felt well throughout this week; not sure if we caught something, or, but there’s only these defined windows when I can do things like get vaccinations. I need to finish up my shingles course, get a flu shot, and start on pneumonia (so probably December and January or February).

Essentially, I have about a three-day window where I’m farthest from my MS Disease-Modifying Therapy (DMT) doses. The idea is that you try to take the vaccines when you’re farthest away from the DMT dose. Since “my day” for the DMT dose is the 29th, my window is basically the thirteenth through the seventeenth. Get too close to the DMT dose date, you might negatively-affect the DMT. Take the vaccine too close to the DMT dose, you might negatively-affect the vaccine effectiveness.

Tap-dance when I have trouble walking straight.

Obviously, the cloud hanging over this whole thing has been trying to figure out the disability stuff. Yeah, I have the Social Security Disability largely ready-to-go, but i don’t want to do that until I have the private part figured out. I’m not doing the social Security stuff until I’m absolutely certain that I’m completely finished earning money.

Yes, I’m close to that point, but everything in my being doesn’t want to do it.

Get Rich Or Die Tryin’

Something like that. Odd how an album title comes to mind, and I’m not sure I’ve ever listened to it start-to-finish. Also, why is there the sudden inspiration to go shoot somebody?

But I expect the rest of the month to be jam-packed. We’re supposed to go see some show in DC this week. Do I try to figure out getting in to see my PCP to get this wonky ear checked out again? It’s been almost a month, and things are still strange. Obviously I made it to Biloxi and back without anything much beyond annoyance, but I’d like to feel like things are normal again.

The next week is Thanksgiving; I still have no idea what’s going on with that. I did get the email from the restaurant where I got stuff a couple of years ago. the prices are surprisingly-reasonable. Probably only about double what we spent for fast food last night to feed twice the people.

Since I’m the only one allowed to drink, dunno if buying a bottle of wine would even be worth it.

Do I do “Dry January” again next year?

Or would my time be better-spent digging deeper into the revelations the super-damning Epstein files release, and the new war between OrangeManBad and MTG?

Just don’t know.

Did get some thirdhand information that an acquaintance from Tidewater had died. Seems to be hush-hush about what happened. I didn’t have many interactions with him, but he’d been roommates with another acquaintance, and he was involved with some of the arts community to which I was tangentially-connected. What happened?

(And my scarred brain goes to the opening of this when the AI tool I fed it through took issue with “hush-hush.”)

Maybe someone will let me know. Barreling on with November writing, and all the other things that come with the month.

Does anything have you excited for next year?

Goodness. After how the summer and fall have gone, I have no at idea at all. We have some excitement next weekend. Thanksgiving and Christmas are probably going to be pretty tame considering my current situation, but I have zero idea.

There’s no Smoocon anymore, so January is free. I have a suspicion that the Beltway Swamp is due for a rather-nasty winter weather-wise. I am excited for the 250th anniversary of the US. Summer Olympics in LA could be great, but it could also be an absolute disaster given the politicians who are running SoCal.

(Aside: I’m listening to this TheFP livestream about what’s happening in Africa, especially Sudan, right now. The guy they’re interviewing has a very strong French accent, but his delivery is kind of somnambulant….)

So, back on topic, I really don’t have many things in particular in mind. If things don’t get straightened out with the money, I’ll look hard for a job. Maybe there’d be something there that’ll excite me. If the money gets straightened out, I will travel up to New Hampshire to see my oldest friend, then the three trips to see my mom.

I have little confidence politics will get any better; the politicians aren’t going to stop the out-of-control spending until the toner on the money printer runs out.

So I’ll be where I am reacting as I can.

Halfway point tomorrow. Still haven’t gotten fully on the workout schedule with my health, and travel.

Brexit+10

I’m not sure why i thought this date is the tenth anniversary of Brexit; it’s next year.

I think there’d been some news story about the UK. Try to fill things up with something to write about for this month.

Is the UK in worse shape than it was before Brexit? Yep. But is that because the government has proven inept, regardless of which political party is running it? Also, yep.

But so much has been destroyed, not just by the immigration unleashed on the UK from when it was in the EU, but also from really-radical individuals who are running formerly-esteemed institutions.

Trey Chuckie went to Mass at the Vatican. Huh?

The ABC story I linked doesn’t go into much of why Charles met. This story from the CBC discusses some of the points of dispute more. There’s a schism that’s been brewing in the Church of England over this.

But the Church of England has also been hit with child abuse allegations similar to the Catholic Church.

Maybe the message is that they agree that that was messed up, and they need to work together to make sure it doesn’t ever happen again?

If you wanted to dig more, too, you can find where many of the Anglican bishops in Africa aren’t okay with some of the doctrinal changes happening in England.

Nobody is without sin. A structured faith system does provide a construct for society. It’s not wrong to pass judgment on those faiths’ tenets; it’s not all good.

I am never going to be okay with a faith that forces women to wear certain things. Or be circumcised.

Disagree? I’m not going to change my mind. Use whatever force you think is appropriate, but I ask that you do it in full view of the world.

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In other news, holy crap I keep getting disrupted by recruiters. I don’t understand why I didn’t get much attention for several years, but I have to be honest about my limitations. And i really don’t want to work anymore. Get this disability stuff squared away, and finally retire.

I had something else, entirely queued up for today, but after looking at it, I’m not really feeling like writing about it. Look at some other unfinished drafts, and pick something else….

Partial flashback to previous years. 2018, for example…

What would you do if someone just gave you $1 million?

I would buy a house in cash, file for Social Security Disability (since getting the private stuff figured out has been an absolute nightmare), and try to relax some.

Actually, I’d buy my mom’s house outright too, and really takeover management as the owner. The relatives who are there now may stay for an awful long time, maybe after my mom is gone, but I’d primarily use it as something to borrow against.

Though I’d really like to see things moving on my appeal. I emailed the lawyer this morning for an update; still working on it.

Protip, too: Ask your favorite AI something along the lines of “What can you tell me about $address?”

If you’ve got a membership with one, you can ask things like “Have there been any notable events at $address?” Or, “What’s the parking like at $address?” “Have there been any notable crimes at or near $address?”

(This will search things the agents won’t tell you…)

I just checked my apartment address from Bad Newz. It has both me and my dad listed as past owners (I rented it, but I think my dad might have been listed because he owned the vehicle I was driving…)

Do you like cats? And why do you think some people get along with cats better than with other pets?

I really don’t have many opinions of cats. Much of my reticence about them stems from being deathly allergic. That aside, I don’t really care so long as they’re tidied-up after. I don’t like the scents at all, and am bothered by what they tend to do to furniture. That leather couch? Yeah, gonna scratch the shit out of it!

But it’s entirely possible that the avoidance has really stepped up after figuring out that they were the thing that made my eyes swell.

Throughout my childhood, we always had dogs. Some of the allergy tests show I have a mild allergy to them, too, but I didn’t really have any issues with the last one we had. Now, she wasn’t really one that’d get up in your face, but I don’t remember any ill-effects, either.

And that’s enough for today. Up to diamond membership with the hotel group that’s associated with the place I normally stay when I go see my mom. Woohoo?

Veterans Day

The anniversary of the ceasefire in the “War To End All Wars.” Kinda missed on that one, y’all.

That said, it’s incredible how much warfare has changed. Casualty numbers, especially Killed In Action, have really dropped.

Am I happy that the huge deployments of the first couple of decades of this century seem to be basically over? Absolutely. Am I still disturbed by some of what’s happening in other parts of the world? Yes. The Russians are backfilling their rapidly-deteriorating ranks with slaves from Best Korea.

Who knows what the heck is going on in Africa; the extravagant budgets have basically made sure that almost all foreign bureaus have closed.

I also wonder about the precision that used to permeate military units worldwide. How quickly can someone break down an M16 today?

That sort of thing is actually important.

This from TheFP this weekend was really incredible talking about a combatant trying to memorize poetry about war. I’m envious, in a way, of having something else so all-consuming that it’s possible to focus on things like memorizing a poem.

I am happy, however, that the threats have been so reduced, even if it means hearing from people who aren’t worth the C4 it’d take to blow them up.

Heading back to 2015…

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Ten

I just reread what I wrote back then, and it was really focused on two particular bosses I had in 2013 – 2016. I think when I pulled this, I was kind of in a magnanimous mood; maybe I should forgive, reach out and find out how they’re doing.

but, nah, the negative opinion was justified then, and is still justified today. Should I delete your numbers from my contacts? Yeah, probably. I thought I did that, but they do ten to creep back.

*looks for those guys*

Yeah, okay, I actually had successfully excised them both.

I’m not sure if I’d recognize one of them if i saw him in public. The other probably I’d notice; he wears a Lumbergh-style white collar on his shirts. (It’s visible in the Wiki link at time of writing….)

There’s grudges I’ll probably hold on until I die.

Peeking back into what I wrote then, and, geez it’s not really comprehensible, but I had seven points.

• Lack of sympathy

You know, this is very much related to what I was experiencing with my condition. No, no I wasn’t making things up. I would not wish this on anyone. Not even you all who put me through some really awful times. (Now that’s not to say I wouldn’t want to do things to you, otherwise, but not fucking MS symptoms. Never.)

• Unwillingness to take a holistic approach

I did mention Captain Queeg’s strawberries a couple of days ago. Whatever the issue, it’s time to recreate your one moment of adequacy. One of the former bosses I wasn’t thinking about when I wrote in 2015 had us manually-punching Ethernet cables, and soldering other things because he thought it was important that we be able to do everything from scratch. How about no? I heard something recently about what humans spent considerable time doing in antiquity — it was making thread and material. The term “spinster” was talking about young women who never progressed beyond spinning yarn for making fabric. I’m not going to mill flour. I’m going to buy a bag.

I’ve had similar discussions with my wife, and another backer friend. Many of them use boxed mixes. You know what, that’s fine. No, it’s actually better than fine; it’s smart.

I think, maybe, it was something on Numlock about how home brewing is kind of a dying industry. Yes, Uncle Bob’s super-strong IPA might be a little better than whatever cans I can have delivered, but is the trouble worth it?

• Abusing your subordinates in front of others to make yourself seem competent. Yelling at someone just makes you an asshole, unless there’s something life-or-death at stake.

This one is still true. When you, or your team, screw up, admit it, and figure out what it’ll take to fix it.

This is something that’s really antithetical to government work. You did everything exactly according to regulation, but the customer didn’t get anything he/she/it actually needed.

(And CPARs really exacerbates this problem in many, many instances)

• Unwillingness to attribute anything (to your own mistakes)
• Unwillingness to own up to your own mistakes

Yeah, I’m seeing that i was really unclear on these. In my defense, I was probably plunking away at things either on a laptop while away from home, or surreptitiously via a terminal at work, dealing with a situation where a boss had promised something that it wasn’t possible to deliver. I’m thinking of something where I was being forced to deploy some tape-based backup solution that was both incompatible with the modern systems in use, and way too small to fully back up the systems. But that solution was one of the bad boss’s successes, so it was something we had to do again. No, it was slightly more modern than QIC-80, but not much.

• Being dishonest about compensation

Yeah, this is exactly-related to the two jobs. The first one was reflective of the approximately 20% pay cut I took in 2013. The second one was where I I hired in as a junior sysadmin, then promoted in=place with no salary adjustment into the senior position after they failed to do an in-place capture of the former person. The company’s benefits weren’t accepted where I was working. Because of that, I ended up buying one of the then-new healthcare.gov plans. I earned just enough that i didn’t qualify for any assistance. Part of the pitch was “Blue Cross Blue Shield” insurance. But not a BCBS insurer that worked outside MD/DC/NoVA. So, to the most-expensive Exchange plan…..that none of my providers accepted because they all thought it was Medicaid.

No, it’s not Medicaid. Certainly not for what I’m paying with after-tax money.

I had to change neurologists, and went on Tysabri. In order to get Tysabri infusions on the company’s insurance, I would have had to ride the train up to a place that accepted their insurance. That would have required a full day off of work, and would have basically consumed all of the paid time off that was included in the compensation package.

• Putting your own need for a quick buck ahead of the customer’s needs, and demands

This is kind of related to the QIC solution, but also to some of what happened with a previous job where the government customer was on-the-take from several vendors. I’m not going to link to the story, but this former GS-14 is now out of prison…and is often a Facebook friend suggestion.

How about no?

Again, though, this speaks to part of my political positions. Tax money is money taken from other people at the point of a gun. If you are okay in wasting stolen money, I really have no time for you.

Yesterday’s entry feels so incomplete, still. I probably should work on it, but the inspiration to do it is missing. Should I have more coffee this late in the day? Probably not.

Travel wrap-up

I flew down on Sunday and came back yesterday. *checks past entries to see if I’d written about the unmitigated disaster that was the trip in May*

Nope. Didn’t write about that. The summation was me stuck in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, so hot I couldn’t breathe, vision got even worse than usual, have to put on shoes to hike to the end of the car to use the bathroom, etc..

By the end of that trip, I was very much of a mind to never take Amtrak down again. It was not good. So chose to fly. Again, if I book somewhere about 100 days before the travel, the prices are similar.

My brother went down, too, but our days didn’t really line up neatly. Though he flew to new Orleans, he stayed near the Gulfport airport. I looked at staying there, but it was going to cost more than I wanted to pay. Same for the casinos. Flights down were largely unremarkable, though whatever aircraft we had from CLT to GPT was very cramped. I really couldn’t sleep on either flight.

So back to the place I’ve stayed many times. Geez. I didn’t write about the shitshow that was last trip, either.

The hotel had been hit by lightning during one of the numerous South Mississippi thunderstorms the night before I arrived. They had to move be down to a lower-quality room on the ground floor because the elevators didn’t work after the lightning. So, the room where I’d stayed a couple of times before, 126, and the entire place smelled of mildew due to the water infiltration during the storm.

Since I couldn’t find anything else, check that same hotel. Lower-level, accessible room….and i end up in Room 126 again.

Everything had been rehabbed during the intervening four months. It was actually pretty comfortable.

Flights down were also okay despite the government shutdown. Yes, it’s a pain. Yes, I’m supposed to point the finger at “one side” or the other. But it’s a function of the really last quarter-century of spending.

Why are air traffic controllers Federal employees?

Why are TSA agents Federal employees?

So, get down to Biloxi without too many issues. My mother was in the hospital again. Did end up getting to my grandfather’s birthday party without any issues; I’d thought we were going to be late, but I didn’t calculate the time change correctly.

Travelling west on the first day of the “fall back” screws everything up even more. Try to stay awake to adjust to both Central Time, and Standard Time.

I did have trouble staying awake to get back on schedule.

Lots of time spent with my mother. About a 90-minute FaceTime session with her best friend from college, my godmother.

Kind of just swimming on all that happened, sorry.

Did have lunch with her on her birthday. She enjoyed her potato salad and Barq’s out of the glass bottle, but didn’t touch her Po’Boy. I brought her a piece of chocolate mousse cake that she ate after I’d left, and really enjoyed.

But I was worried the whole time about travel back. Mr. Rachel Campos, and his staff, had decided to start cancelling flights because of the government shutdown. (Oh, come on. I know I’m not the only 90s high school dude from the 90s who had impure thoughts about her on The Real World: San Francisco.). Three percent of flights cancelled at busy airports on Friday. Four percent on Saturday. Going up to ten percent by the end of this week. My travel path was to/from National Airport (DCA) connecting through Charlotte (CLT). I phoned the airline as this news started breaking on Wednesday evening. I phoned the airline Wednesday night, and they hadn’t made plans yet. I know that this is coming; you all can bump me up, fly me to Dulles or BWI, stick me in an open coach seat, whatever. Nope. We’ll see, and we’ll let you know.

On Thursday, there was an alert that there might be disruptions. Do I call again and repeat my willingness to move around? Look at whether I can take the train from Hattiesburg. Um. Just a bedroom available for more than $700. And I’ve gotta figure out a way to get to Hattiesburg. My relative who’d said he was going to give me a ride to the airport in Gulfport had had to bow out, so that was going to be an Uber or Lyft trip. I didn’t bother to check what it would have cost to drive me to Hattiesburg, Slidell, or New Orleans so I could get on the train up.

There’s only a 4% chance my flights are going to be cancelled; I’ll risk it.

Yesterday (Saturday), I kind of bided my time in the hotel for a while until I went to my mom’s facility. We FaceTimed with my brother after lunch, then over to GPT. No real problems getting on the plane. But, because of the ATC staffing issues, they modified the route. Instead of flying basically northeast, they routed the flight north, then made a right turn over Tennessee/Kentucky. That change added about 30 minutes to the flight time. We did get to CLT in time to make the connection, but they were boarding as I got to the gate in a different terminal.

And I don’t remember much at all about the flight from CLT to DCA. I finished my vodka tonic, and was out until the announcement of final approach to DC. Got home, and started watching something my wife wanted me to see on Netflix.

I think I need to jot more notes if I’m going to have more entries like this in the future. The OPSEC for this one wasn’t quite as stringent as it’d been when I was still working; you could have figured out I was in Biloxi, but I really didn’t telegraph everything.

My mom is kinda okay. Have things a bit better figured out for family staying there. Distracted by just how FUBAR government is.

Following, too, this about January 6th. There was a lot tossed around about Treason during OrangeManBad’s first term. If it’s true that she was the one who planted at least one of the bombs on that day, and fired less-than-lethal munitions at the faces of protestors outside The Capitol, I think making a case for war against the country is a lot more straightforward than it was in the narrative created by the J6 committee.

Shoot. I also didn’t write much about the VA election results. Or NYC mayor. Or what CA did to get more Democrats in the House. Or the DSA Islamist in NYC, or…

Still wholeheartedly recommend Free Media. Perspective, though I’ve been informed I’m a conservative, which is news to me. Also MCM’s Stuff, with various clips that fall into IG.

I’m going to go watch football. I am home. Biloxi, and the people I care about there, are okay.

Maybe better work as I settle some the next couple of days.