23

I still didn’t have anything. So, back to 2012:


1. What are your vices?

The normal stuff; alcohol, caffeine, meth, opiates, nicotine, gambling.

Some of those aren’t true. Decide for yourself which ones.

2. “The most disappointed I’ve ever been…”

You know, I honestly don’t know nowadays. I try not to focus on failures, you know? Especially now, Going to meet with criminal investigators about someone ranks right up there….


The answers are really unchanged.

Obviously, the “meth” from back then was in jest, but the other things are still basically true. I’ve really varied the amounts here and there, but I still partake in the same bits.

But I really don’t get a lot of enjoyment from any of those vices anymore.

Did I really back then? I don’t know.

That does kind of feed into the disappointment piece. If I don’t ever really enjoy anything, I have trouble being that disappointed.

Things happen, and all I’ll have at the end is the memory of me screwing up royally.

Maybe that’s no way to live, but it’s kind of my nature. I’m incredibly captious, intentional even.

Maybe that attitude has seen me miss out on fun, but I’ve also missed out on a lot of real disappointment.

Something to discuss in a future therapy session.

Somehow the Apple Music interlude of Cake’s Sheep Go To Heaven seems strangely appropriate here.

But I’m not really a sheep; they don’t have the requisite amount or self-reflection. You’re never going to see any sort of after-action review from a sheep. Even if there’s nothing formal, I do review many things to myself.

And I usually come back with “I wouldn’t have acted differently.”

Yeah, there’s been some times that I was absent information that led to an incorrect decision; if I’d known that K——- had reached a plea agreement that’d lead to me being laid off when I got “home,” I would have been glad-handling at Shmoocon in 2014, but I didn’t know.

I was trying to do the best job I could do even though I was being mistreated.

So it goes. I can be comfortable with myself.