Twenty-One

Recap of your year month-by-month

I do feel like this should be something that runs December through November, but implicit in the prompt, this is only this year, so that’s what I’m going to do.

I think I’m going to just seat-of-the-pants on this. Not going to be well-researched, but I don’t have all day to spend on this. I do spend a lot more time on stuff I put up on Substack.

I actually started on this earlier, but it was getting unwieldy. I’ll be as brief as I can. I do have links to my writings for each month.

Cold, final Schmoocon, inauguration, plane crash.

Lots on what was going on with DOGE. Lots of problems with the return-to-office for USG folks. A few layoffs, early retirements, etc.. I remember dreading getting to my former formal work site. In the early days of the, I think, below 50% butts-in-seats periods, the traffic delay to get on to post was something like 75 minutes.

The only thing I wrote about was sort of related to something that was discussed on BARPod. I remember working incredibly hard, and worrying about when they were going to get me back to a site more often.

Decided that my body wasn’t up for doing something different, so started planning how to go to disability.

I can’t go and be in spend hours in a car getting to the site, then go back-and-forth to and from various places I’d need to be to work. I can’t go and do the things that are needed in order to buy more letters after my name in order to work for even less money.

Frantic work to leave things in as good a shape as possible. Stopped working. started the nightmare that is disability paperwork.

Fumbling about with disability. Lost Miss lacey.

Horrible trip to Biloxi.

Long-Term disability denied, so everything I’ve been goin through since. Birthday, etc.

Still trying to figure out what’s going on.

Government shutdown, and trying to get things for my lawyer.

Why do I feel like I should apologize for the abbreviated nature of this? (And the answer is the reason I’m seeing a psychologist…)

November, of course, I’ve woven in things here.

I just had an appointment with a financial planner regarding my various retirement savings. One, I don’t have enough money to be one of his client. Two, a lot of my “income” is really dependent on this private disability appeal. When I get that, I don’t really need to worry about much; the long-term disability will carry probably to the end of my expected life.

Keep. Moving. Forward.

Now if I could have done that during the workout this morning….

Twenty

Free-write

I admit that I started plunking away at this some yesterday.

I’ve been playing around with various AI tools the past couple of days, having them do things like review my writings.

They don’t get everything right, but you can get nibbles that start you probably get somewhere to start

I notice that there seem to be lots of requests for robots.txt. I’m wondering if totes-didn’t-used-to-do-evil-co’s bots are obeying robots.txt. Maybe move that out of the way for a couple of days to see what happens? Hmmmmm..

I still need to figure out things with past writing. At the same time, perhaps letting the stuff I’d hidden languish in an ASCII file forever. I’ve not reviewed a ton of it. Obviously, the writing isn’t good, and there’s a lot that’s me being a whiny twenty-something. Still, there’s maybe some stuff from the radio days that’s worth keeping.

There was something that came up recently somewhere else in social media. How many air checks of me are there? Some of the more notable stuff may be forever lost to history; BBC, Appearing on the Matt Drudge radio show during some event affecting Norfolk. (Aside: Bill Cunningham has been hosting that really since Drudge retired to somewhere in Florida. Haven’t heard much of Bill lately, either. I should dig a bit more to see what’s up there; Bengals’ Embarrassment?)

Hmmm. Let me check DuckDuckGo‘s news section.

Not much.

But they have an AI tool, too…

His writing style is conversational and often introspective, revealing a sense of humor while critiquing societal norms and technology. He frequently shares his opinions on issues that affect everyday life, especially in the context of information security and technology's role in society.

I like that it doesn’t try to pigeonhole me. Maybe?

Sliding down towards the weekend. I think my wife is intent on cooking a turkey breast in the slow-cooker so she can spend time with [ ]. Yes, that’s unfilled. Not 100% sure that things are going to happen the way planned, and names aren’t set yet.

News stuff. The Q/BlueAnon Epstein stuff is set to be released, but that there’s going to be things that are omitted because of ongoing investigations will feed rampant speculation amongst some of the worst people in politics. From “both sides.”

Dig harder, gonna get OrangeManBad this time. Sorry, Larry Summers. Don’t despair! Rep. Crockett has the goods from the FEC filings! Yeah, about that…

I think there’s a bit of movement on my appeal. The timeline I was given was sometime in early-December, but it looked like maybe it’d get in before Thanksgiving. Maybe? But I’m not holding my breath.

2/3rds done. Let’s get the rest finished.

Nineteen

What opportunities that you’ve passed up do you regret passing?

You know, I think that reusing this one is something that looked interesting when I was trying to fill things out in preparation for this month. I did this recently. I guess I can see the initial appeal. There’s so many permutations I would be able to throw out in the future.

Should I have done that, professionally? Um.
Should I have asked her out? Um. Yeah, she’s still physically-attractive all these years later, but her social media presence says she’s absolutely nuts.
Was I not supposed to say that? No, and there will be a long session with HR explaining how you were wrong, and why your privilege made you wrong.
Should I have listened to…and bought that house that’s in a place where I don’t really want to be? Probably not; I still don’t really want to be there, though the proliferation of ride-sharing services has opened up all sorts of places that would have previously been unthinkable. Twenty years ago, trying to do anything in South Landmass without a car would have been completely unthinkable.
Should I have bought Bitcoin when it was cheaper? Maybe? But, also, maybe the early folks who spent fourteen BTC on a Papa John’s Pizza shouldn’t have done that.

I think I need to be better about imagining possibilities, and the incredible things that would happen with anything. Stop looking at all the bad things that could happen, and think about the good things that could happen.

I should make it a priority to catch back up with this podcast recommendation that has me listening to stuff on Edison. Certainly not one of my favorite people, but I think he did accomplish a lot when he was focused on the possible instead of the gruesome outlying circumstances.

Alternating current? DC is easier to understand, more predictable in small distances, and would you look at what AC can do to this convict?

Tangent related to alternating current. TheFP’s had a comment on its Front Page this morning that accused “right-wing” outlets of “gaslighting” by refusing to have Nick Fuentes on.

So giving something the ignorance it so richly deserves is gaslighting. Got it. VOTE BLUE!!1! Please don’t STFW and find those images of The Phelps Family as al Gore delegates at the 1988 DNC. History didn’t start until sometime in 2000.
I also think “gaslighting” is really an overused catchphrase, now. Totes-didn’t-used-to-do-evil-co’s definition — Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where a person makes someone else doubt their own reality, perceptions, and sanity. This can include outright lying, denying events, trivializing feelings, and shifting blame to make the victim feel confused, anxious, and dependent. It is a serious type of emotional abuse that often isolates the victim from friends and family. 
Okay. With the zero people reading this on the same page, ignoring someone fringe fits right into that, right? Totally.

But back to the news of the day. Both houses of Congress have voted to release all of the Epstein files. OrangeManBad signed the bill. What happens now? It goes to DoJ, where some things are redacted, and it ends up looking really bad for some people, yet fails to justify public execution of the forever target.

*Looks away to see if there was something else I had in the drafts that might be interesting.*

Not really.

I ask Grok yesterday to tell me as much as it could about me by reading this site. I’d put the accuracy at about 80%, ballparking. There’s a lot here missing, but read the site tagline.

Wonder what other AI engines would do. Also wonder what the question did to my site traffic….

More tomorrow. I want another cup of coffee.

Eighteen

Write about three things you did for the first time in the past year.

Oh my. I was going to see if there was a way to say “vote for Donald Trump,” but I can’t even figure out a way to make that sound even marginally-plausible.

This has been a completely crazy year, but I guess the biggest thing is that I’m finally learning to say, “that’s enough.” Yes, there’s times when I do need to push myself to get something accomplished. Rarely is that resignation because of something I want, but I’m trying to get better at prioritizing.

But, intertwined with that answer, “retire.” Yes, I’m scratching around a bit for shifting focus to finding a new job if this appeal doesn’t work. Find something that’s completely outside the realm where I spent most of my professional life? Um. I’m not sure what really applicable I have at this point, and it wouldn’t pay nearly as well as something similar to what I’d been doing. so, how about no? I am finished, and I’m okay with that….if things get approved satisfactorily. My days of waking up, working out, fumbling around for a bit on the guitar, then writing suit me just fine.

There’s really not even much shame in it anymore. I’ve done what I need to do. I don’t owe anybody any money. Settle in to a life of resolution; I’m pretty sure I’m not going to live a very long time.

So, we’ll say that #1 is “retire, and be okay with that.”

#2 would be deal with loss of a pet that’s been my responsibility, at least partially-financially. Losing that little dog has been tough. I’m sure it’s been worse on my wife, but it’s still difficult not to look for her, and behave as if she’s still creeping about.

So. Number three. I really don’t have anything that’s coming to mind. I bought a life insurance policy on myself…?

This prompt was something short from 2017.

I’m trying to remember what I’d come up to interview for. Given that I came into Union Station in DC, I’d imagine it was probably something GS. I have no idea, and I’m not interested enough to look back to see what the hell it was.

But, geez, I love the city. Went to see David Garrett last night. Good show. The Venue might be exactly the sort of thing that the authors of the Americans With Disabilities Act were worried about. Uneven undulating floors, odd stairs to get to the bathroom, though there was one handicapper-accessible toilet on the main floor….after you’d gotten up the weird slanted walkway to the top of the theater area.

And, there I go again, tempted to apologize for the cop-out on #3. It’s still a habit.

Seventeen

The way I did the entry pre-selection has proven to be off. Again. More.

It’s like I’m following my doctors’ suggestions or something, and breaking free the writing compulsion.

Looking back at previous stuff, I wrote this in 2016:

I’m trying to keep an open mind about the electoral results. This, really, could be real change in Washington. Notsomuch due to the Trump surrogates’ bigotry, but because at least it’s a completely new crowd.

Regardless of what happens, it’s not going to be an administration full of recycled Ford and Clinton folks (which is what we saw with the last two administrations). If an opportunity presented itself to get me to DC to work in the Administration, I don’t know that I’d turn it down. (Though they probably would want nothing to do with me after I didn’t vote for them…..)

  • Kind of correct on the recycled Ford and Bush 41 folks. Instead, Trump was largely recycled Reagan folks. Some were better than others, certainly, and I’m still very angry about what happened to KT McFarland.
  • I’ve still continued to glance at Federal jobs throughout. On my very short do-do list, I would consider again. But I’m hoping hte disability appeal gets finished up, so I can just retire; I’m exhausted.
  • there’s also a bunch of stuff about my lack of excitement about what I experienced with my trip to Georgetown. I have to admit that when I came up her, I sought to do something different, but reached back out to the neurologist who’d seen me when I came up.

But it does speak, I think, to my willingness to give second chances.

I can, though, shut things off completely. It might take a long time for me to get there, but I will do it.

Time to go figure out what else is going to go on today.

Sixteen

Medical Update(s)

This is really fitting as I’m going to spend part of my Sunday getting shorts at the drug store. Picking back through things from 2016, and saw the prompt about my first trip to Georgetown to see if they might have an MS study that might be appropriate for me.

No, the doctor I saw was pretty-well convinced that what I was on, Tysabri, was probably the best choice for me.

I ended up being on Tysabri until a positive JCV antibody test made me go to Keysimpta.

You know, I think the Keysimpta has opened up many parts of life that’d been sealed-off while I was on Tysabri. Though the energy crash coming towards the end of the Tysabri dose had largely abated, I did notice that things would still get a little weirder when I was due a dose.

I will say that I don’t miss the weirdness surrounding infusion sessions. Some of the other more-common treatments are even longer infusions. It actually looked, however, that some of the insurance companies were getting to the point where they’d send a nurse out to give the infusions at home; I actually could probably have worked through my infusions.

My MRI results have basically been steady for a few years. My vision is a bit worse, as is my concentration. There are things from the list of cognitive changes related to the disease.

  • Process incoming information

This is something that I’ve had trouble with for a while. It’s not gotten significantly worse, but I just miss things. Oh! How the heck did I miss that?

  • Focus, maintain, and shift attention

This is a real problem if I’m in a situation where I need to move around a lot. Am I going to be able to make it to the bathroom quickly enough that I don’t have an accident?

  • Act on information

Very much related to the first point. If I don’t notice something coming in, my reaction to it is delayed. I think if I hear something important, I can still react correctly, but the speed is retarded due to my other physical maladies.

  • Find words

I don’t know? I’ve always spoken slowly, and really try to be courteous when having a conversation. I know that there’s thoughts that’ll come across my mind in conversation that I never say. This has both positives and negatives; is it disease-related? Maybe.

I do take notes. This has previously gotten me in trouble when I wrote down something that wasn’t supposed to be recorded. I’m sure the automatic transcription of meetings is really something that’s come back to bite people. I’ve heard that there’s managers who are explicitly directing that those features be turned off in tools like MS Teams and Slack.

What have you said you don’t want anyone to know, boss? (And that response shows part of why my responses are delayed. I probably think that immediately, but wouldn’t say it aloud.)

  • Relate visual information to others

Real problem since I just miss things.

  • Perform calculations

I don’t know how much of this is MS, or just age. Quickly figure out how to calculate a tip? Um. Let me pull up the calculator on my phone. But that, too, is a part of the out-of-control tipping you might see in many retail locations, now. No, I bought a bottle of Coke. It already costs a lot more than it did just a couple of years ago. You don’t get 25% for running it over the scanner, and asking if I want a receipt.

Though, physically, I’m trying to improve my day-to-day life through diet and exercise, I am declining. Again, I’m not sure how much of that is MS or age. But I do recognize that things aren’t going to get better. There is no cure for this damned disease. Hell, they don’t even know what causes it.

I did get the bifocals prescription my last visit to the optometrist. Yes, they want to sell me the fancy glasses that have the reading glasses built-in. I’ve not bought those, yet. Again, it’s on account of not having money to spend willy-nilly with the disability situation.

Last roti-rooter was less-concerning than some of the past ones. I don’t have to have another colonoscopy until I’m 50. The ones I had starting before I even turned 40 were enough. This is one of the things that come along with having a parent who died during cancer surgery before 60.

Do I make it to 65? Who knows.

Fifteen

Halftime

It feels like there should be less time left on this.

Trying to do so many different things can be exhausting. That neither my wife or I have felt well throughout this week; not sure if we caught something, or, but there’s only these defined windows when I can do things like get vaccinations. I need to finish up my shingles course, get a flu shot, and start on pneumonia (so probably December and January or February).

Essentially, I have about a three-day window where I’m farthest from my MS Disease-Modifying Therapy (DMT) doses. The idea is that you try to take the vaccines when you’re farthest away from the DMT dose. Since “my day” for the DMT dose is the 29th, my window is basically the thirteenth through the seventeenth. Get too close to the DMT dose date, you might negatively-affect the DMT. Take the vaccine too close to the DMT dose, you might negatively-affect the vaccine effectiveness.

Tap-dance when I have trouble walking straight.

Obviously, the cloud hanging over this whole thing has been trying to figure out the disability stuff. Yeah, I have the Social Security Disability largely ready-to-go, but i don’t want to do that until I have the private part figured out. I’m not doing the social Security stuff until I’m absolutely certain that I’m completely finished earning money.

Yes, I’m close to that point, but everything in my being doesn’t want to do it.

Get Rich Or Die Tryin’

Something like that. Odd how an album title comes to mind, and I’m not sure I’ve ever listened to it start-to-finish. Also, why is there the sudden inspiration to go shoot somebody?

But I expect the rest of the month to be jam-packed. We’re supposed to go see some show in DC this week. Do I try to figure out getting in to see my PCP to get this wonky ear checked out again? It’s been almost a month, and things are still strange. Obviously I made it to Biloxi and back without anything much beyond annoyance, but I’d like to feel like things are normal again.

The next week is Thanksgiving; I still have no idea what’s going on with that. I did get the email from the restaurant where I got stuff a couple of years ago. the prices are surprisingly-reasonable. Probably only about double what we spent for fast food last night to feed twice the people.

Since I’m the only one allowed to drink, dunno if buying a bottle of wine would even be worth it.

Do I do “Dry January” again next year?

Or would my time be better-spent digging deeper into the revelations the super-damning Epstein files release, and the new war between OrangeManBad and MTG?

Just don’t know.

Did get some thirdhand information that an acquaintance from Tidewater had died. Seems to be hush-hush about what happened. I didn’t have many interactions with him, but he’d been roommates with another acquaintance, and he was involved with some of the arts community to which I was tangentially-connected. What happened?

(And my scarred brain goes to the opening of this when the AI tool I fed it through took issue with “hush-hush.”)

Maybe someone will let me know. Barreling on with November writing, and all the other things that come with the month.

Fourteen

Does anything have you excited for next year?

Goodness. After how the summer and fall have gone, I have no at idea at all. We have some excitement next weekend. Thanksgiving and Christmas are probably going to be pretty tame considering my current situation, but I have zero idea.

There’s no Smoocon anymore, so January is free. I have a suspicion that the Beltway Swamp is due for a rather-nasty winter weather-wise. I am excited for the 250th anniversary of the US. Summer Olympics in LA could be great, but it could also be an absolute disaster given the politicians who are running SoCal.

(Aside: I’m listening to this TheFP livestream about what’s happening in Africa, especially Sudan, right now. The guy they’re interviewing has a very strong French accent, but his delivery is kind of somnambulant….)

So, back on topic, I really don’t have many things in particular in mind. If things don’t get straightened out with the money, I’ll look hard for a job. Maybe there’d be something there that’ll excite me. If the money gets straightened out, I will travel up to New Hampshire to see my oldest friend, then the three trips to see my mom.

I have little confidence politics will get any better; the politicians aren’t going to stop the out-of-control spending until the toner on the money printer runs out.

So I’ll be where I am reacting as I can.

Halfway point tomorrow. Still haven’t gotten fully on the workout schedule with my health, and travel.

Thirteen

Brexit+10

I’m not sure why i thought this date is the tenth anniversary of Brexit; it’s next year.

I think there’d been some news story about the UK. Try to fill things up with something to write about for this month.

Is the UK in worse shape than it was before Brexit? Yep. But is that because the government has proven inept, regardless of which political party is running it? Also, yep.

But so much has been destroyed, not just by the immigration unleashed on the UK from when it was in the EU, but also from really-radical individuals who are running formerly-esteemed institutions.

Trey Chuckie went to Mass at the Vatican. Huh?

The ABC story I linked doesn’t go into much of why Charles met. This story from the CBC discusses some of the points of dispute more. There’s a schism that’s been brewing in the Church of England over this.

But the Church of England has also been hit with child abuse allegations similar to the Catholic Church.

Maybe the message is that they agree that that was messed up, and they need to work together to make sure it doesn’t ever happen again?

If you wanted to dig more, too, you can find where many of the Anglican bishops in Africa aren’t okay with some of the doctrinal changes happening in England.

Nobody is without sin. A structured faith system does provide a construct for society. It’s not wrong to pass judgment on those faiths’ tenets; it’s not all good.

I am never going to be okay with a faith that forces women to wear certain things. Or be circumcised.

Disagree? I’m not going to change my mind. Use whatever force you think is appropriate, but I ask that you do it in full view of the world.

In other news, holy crap I keep getting disrupted by recruiters. I don’t understand why I didn’t get much attention for several years, but I have to be honest about my limitations. And i really don’t want to work anymore. Get this disability stuff squared away, and finally retire.

Twelve

I had something else, entirely queued up for today, but after looking at it, I’m not really feeling like writing about it. Look at some other unfinished drafts, and pick something else….

Partial flashback to previous years. 2018, for example…

What would you do if someone just gave you $1 million?

I would buy a house in cash, file for Social Security Disability (since getting the private stuff figured out has been an absolute nightmare), and try to relax some.

Actually, I’d buy my mom’s house outright too, and really takeover management as the owner. The relatives who are there now may stay for an awful long time, maybe after my mom is gone, but I’d primarily use it as something to borrow against.

Though I’d really like to see things moving on my appeal. I emailed the lawyer this morning for an update; still working on it.

Protip, too: Ask your favorite AI something along the lines of “What can you tell me about $address?”

If you’ve got a membership with one, you can ask things like “Have there been any notable events at $address?” Or, “What’s the parking like at $address?” “Have there been any notable crimes at or near $address?”

(This will search things the agents won’t tell you…)

I just checked my apartment address from Bad Newz. It has both me and my dad listed as past owners (I rented it, but I think my dad might have been listed because he owned the vehicle I was driving…)

Do you like cats? And why do you think some people get along with cats better than with other pets?

I really don’t have many opinions of cats. Much of my reticence about them stems from being deathly allergic. That aside, I don’t really care so long as they’re tidied-up after. I don’t like the scents at all, and am bothered by what they tend to do to furniture. That leather couch? Yeah, gonna scratch the shit out of it!

But it’s entirely possible that the avoidance has really stepped up after figuring out that they were the thing that made my eyes swell.

Throughout my childhood, we always had dogs. Some of the allergy tests show I have a mild allergy to them, too, but I didn’t really have any issues with the last one we had. Now, she wasn’t really one that’d get up in your face, but I don’t remember any ill-effects, either.

And that’s enough for today. Up to diamond membership with the hotel group that’s associated with the place I normally stay when I go see my mom. Woohoo?