Author: sean

Listening to Peddling Fiction Podcast, and having thoughts about generational differences.

They’re a few years younger than I am, and they’re talking about the sex ed they got during school. My wife, who’s a bit younger than they, and I’ve discussed some of what she was taught.

Some crazy differences.

It’s kind of in relation to the new dread disease, Monkeypox.

Fright really doesn’t affect me too much anymore.

Listening to and reading some of the reporting, I feel like I’m really missing the fear I’m supposed to have.

Whatever.

Listened to an interesting ep. of Kennedy Saves The World with Rep. Dan Crenshaw on using hallucinogens for PTSD. Amendments he worked on with AOC may or may not actually find law.

I don’t know that I’m terribly interested, but there’s more than I once had.

What I wrote back in 1999 kind of illustrates that:

From August 6, 1999.

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No, I’m not talking about carving N’Sync logos into my arm with a razor blade……

But this is an issue I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Some of these coping methods which seem so normal, can be termed as self abuse.

Let’s list some of them:

Overeating

not eating

sleeping all the time

not sleeping at all

chainsmoking

getting drunk off your ass

coffee

but there are so many…..I tend not to sleep, and live off coffee.

These normally are described as coping methods.

It has been said that happier people live longer…..maybe it’s partially due to the lower frequency of self abuse due to sadness.

Well, I’m off to refill my coffee cup…..later.

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There still isn’t a big desire to “get wasted.” A bit of a curiosity, maybe, because I’m not sure that I even can at this point.

Intense experiences.

I avoided them for most of my life.

What can I do?

Right now, I’m doing the sorts of things that “normal” people don’t think twice about, and seeing how I feel afterwards.

One thing at a time.

But I think I’d like to do something “crazy,” and see what the experience is like.

Maybe it’ll happen…..

Busy day, but I got through it.

Unbearably hot here again. With that, though, there was this story that got some national attention.

I was thinking about Tom Anderson visiting DC from Beavis and Butthead Do America. Yes, I know that’s wrong, but it’s what came to mind when I heard about the old couple.

What can you do.

Watching On Patrol Live, which is kind of the reboot of Live PD, one of the shows cancelled in the wake of George Floyd.

There’s probably better things I could be watching, but…

My mom urgently wanted to ask my wife something about something with which she really hasn’t had familiarity in fifteen years.

This is why she’s not living by herself.

Pfft.

I should find something more substantial to write about for tomorrow.

I really should update these so that they’ve got the entry numbers stretching across months.

Oh well. Maybe this weekend. So many things I need to do.

• TWUUG Meeting
• Go to new office tomorrow morning
• Get my passport
• Finish migrating VPS setup
• See if I can figure out what’s going on with OpenDKIM on the lists VPS

And so on.

I looked through old entries to see if there was something I could reproduce. I remember, now, why that stuff isn’t readily-available.

I think the batteries in this keyboard are dying.

News…..

Brit5ney Griner . But we should be okay with Russia being a legitimate force in world politics. I miss the days when they were disrupting US elections, you know?

The Federal government is getting involved in the Breonna Taylor case. And continuing silence on what happened in MoCo, MDDR about the same time. But they’re good people, and he was a nut, so it was totally justified that they shot him while he was asleep next to his pregnant fiancee.

Ben Roethlisberger will be very happy that it looks like the Choco-Taco has been saved by keyboard warriors. I really miss Kissing Suzy Kolber.

I guess the Hall of Fame game is tonight. I don’t think I’m going to be able to watch. Next to get my wife to sign-off on TV changes in time for the season….

Making some progress today. Had an appointment with some of my medical team this morning; they’re very happy.

Am I? I don’t know. All of this is different for me. I lived for so long in a tough situation that I really have trouble appreciating what progress I’ve made.

I decided to look at what I’d written twenty years ago today. It was a review of a book I’d read…..and I have no idea what book it was. How sad is that?

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Bad read

Read a promotional book sent to the station last night while I waited on Debian to finish downloading (building a small server to act as an Appletalk to windoze gateway)….

Basically this was a book that tried to be different than most “How to pickup chicks” manuals. It was interesting, but only in its superficiality. Everything a man is “supposed to do” to pickup chicks seemed fake to me — impossible to do. If someone expresses an irrational feeling, *why* should I validate it? If it’s something petty, I’ll just keep my mouth shut and let it slide. If it’s something totally foolish or idiotic, that *needs* to be said.

In essence, though, the book teaches men self-denial. Denial of desire, denial of self-worth, and denial of reality. Admittedly, I’m not one to share what I think of a member of the opposite sex readily to others. In fact, I’m often dismissive about those I’m attracted to. It’s nobody’s business but my own, really (okay, so maybe it’s her business, too). But establishing a friendship with a woman in order to eventually to get sex from her or her friends seems like false pretenses to me; even if this sure-fire method makes *them* the initators.

Tom Leykis has his Leykis 101 series. That is unabashedly about getting more tail for less money. But he doesn’t take the step of playing a phony and leading women on into being friends. He says, take ’em out, don’t act overly interested, don’t spend more than forty bucks for a date, let them know that they’re not the only game in town, and if you ain’t gotten any by the third date, you don’t see her again. None of this petty mindgames bullshit.

Ho-hum. I don’t necessarily subscribe to Leykis’s techniques, mainly because I don’t view sex as a casual matter (damn objectivist thinking comes into play…). But the brutal simplicity of it makes it respectable. And you don’t have to lie in the process.

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I really wonder what the book was, and whether my take on it would have changed very much.

At first, I thought it might be something related to some philosophy class I had, but it was after I graduated, so can’t be….

It fit in with discussion with my psychologist’s take on this podcast.

There’s no single way to do most things.

Figure out a way to do something, document it, and change it as appropriate.

This sort of attitude is really frowned upon in government work.

Work day isn’t finished yet. I don’t know. I took a particularly-refreshing nap after the first round this morning and afternoon, and am not particularly excited about going back later on to re-do what’s 75% complete.

Ain’t needed, but it’s necessary.

Nothing notably strange with the drams today, so there’s that, I suppose.

The NeoHippies were actually sort of upset that this piece of garbage got smoked.

Yeah. I can’t bring myself to consider all the bad things that have happened during the quest for him. But that’s less important than the fact that he’s dead. We’re finished. It’s time to go home.

That so much can be done from afar makes that even more true.

Not really seeing anything that I wanna revisit from today’s date, either. Whatever.

Settling back into the routine.

It’s fine. And I originally mistyped that as “gine.” That could be a sign that I want some gin to make up for the stuff lost in delivery in May…..

I plucked out a few things to recycle, but I still don’t really have topics set out.

That’s fine.

The little dog is feeling a lot better, I think. The feistiness is coming through, again. It’s nothing like I remember, but she seems more alert, etc..

So. What else? I have to go out into the world on Friday. 21 minutes by car. I think that’s actually a little closer than the other place. *looks around* Nawp. Four minutes longer with traffic this time of day.

Given that I’m closer to the city, and this is further out, I think it’d actually be faster getting to and from.

That said, it really doesn’t matter at this point. Oh well.

So. Resample a survey from 2001 to see where I am twenty-one years later…

1. Smoke? Like a freakin’ chimney

You know you’re stopping that when we get married….

2. Do drugs? legal ones, yes. stay away from the stuff that’ll get me thrown in jail.

Nothing entertaining. I think some of my health care team would want me to.

3. Have sex? not by any definition.

That happens.

4. Sleep with stuffed animals? Inflatible doll

Nope.

5. Have a crush? Not telling. 😉

Yes, and it’s been that way for, what, more than sixteen years?

6. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? See question three.

Again, see above.

7. Have a dream that keeps coming back? Nope. But I do have some quite odd dreams.

Oh, there’s so many thing….lately it’s been about trying to get somewhere unsuccessfully. Yes, I have notes for my appointment later this week.

8. Play an instrument? not anymore.

Same.

9. Believe there is life on other planets? I’d like to think so.

I can’t rule it out.

10. Remember your first love? Yes.

You know, this one was a full-throated yes back then, but in retrospect, I don’t think I truly was in lover with any of them, maybe? My wife is the only person I’ve been with, and felt completely comfortable. Spending time with her has never, ever, felt like work.

11. Still love them? HER. I’ll just say that I think of her fondly.

Again, it’s just so different. I really can’t compare.

12. Read the newspaper? more than I should

I really can’t remember the last time I did. The print industry, just like TV and radio, is dead.

13. Have any gay or lesbian friends? nobody really close…several acquaintances.

Yes.

14. Believe in miracles? no.

The Saints won a Super Bowl.

15. Believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever? Yes, of course. It’s a matter of self-control.

Still there. I think there’s a whole lot more with the blip about self-control.

16. Consider yourself tolerant of others? Hah! I’m more tolerant than I should be, though.

I’ve come back around to the same place. Because I don’t want to deter you from something does not mean I approve of whatever. But that’s my business. Leave me alone, and I’ll return the favor.

17. Consider police friend or foe? Depends upon the situation.

Same same.

18. Like the taste of alcohol? PURE alcohol? Yep. Mmmmm…scotch.

Hmmm. Do I have any scotch?

19. Have a favorite Stooge? Curly

Probably the same. But now I’ve earwormed myself twenty-plus years later with Frank Black’s Two Reelers

20. Believe in Astrology? Ehh. No. It’s a curiousity, though

No.

21. In magic? Nope.

No.

22. In God? I don’t think I ever have.

I don’t know how long it was after this that my committed atheism started wavering. But, yes, yes I do today.

23. Pray? Not in a long time.

Yes I do.

24. Go to church? Only for weddings and funerals.

I can’t remember the last time I did. I sometimes will watch something online.

25. Have any secrets? 😉 StillStarry asked me one night if I’d answer everything she asked me. The answer is still “no.” 🙂

There’s things I won’t share readily, but there’s nothing of which I’m terribly ashamed, either.

26. Have any pets? Dogs.

We have a dog now. She’s feeling better, which has brought out more of her individual temperament. She’s clearly not as comfortable being on the bottom of the pack now.

27. Do well in school? When I’m not getting myself in trouble, yes.

I guess I wrote this kind of in the midst of my changeover in approach. I really worry how my attitude would be taken today. I do challenge orthodoxy, andnd authority. I think I’d get in trouble for that today.

28. Go to or plan to go to college? I’m there.

I finished. I’ve not gone back.

29. Have a degree? Not yet.

I have a Bachelor of Science in Government Administration. I am a highly trained bureaucrat.

30. Talk to strangers who instant message you? If they’re not at all interested in cyber.

Um. IM history. But I guess, maybe, Twitter is similar? I’ll chime in from time to time.

31. Wear hats? I wear caps. There *is* a difference.

I really don’t have anything anymore. But I’m also rarely outside.

32. Have any piercings? I have enough holes in my body, thank you very much. I do like P.J. O’Rourke’s idea of getting a hoop through the left ass cheek.

RIP, P.J. And, no, I don’t have any piercings.

33. Have any tatoos? I fear needles.

I don’t fear needles as much as I did back then. More than a decade of MS will take that anxiety away pretty quickly.

But even before the MS diagnosis, I was pretty opposed to tattoos. I also find them to be a serious turn-off when it comes to a MOTOS. J

34. Hate yourself? Not at the moment.

Not really.

35. Have a horny spot? only a few people know about it.

Things are so out-of-sorts on me these days, nothing that would have worked on a twenty-one-year-old me works anymore.

36. Get horny easy? Umm….

Kind of see the last one. Lots of things just don’t work anymore. If you’d told me that there’d be so little desire now, I wouldn’t have believed you.

37. Have a best friend? Yep.

I do. I’m still very close friends with the one I answered affirmatively to in 2001, but I’m certainly closer to the one I’d meet five years later.

38. Wish on stars? Sometimes. It’s silly.

Pretty much unchanged.

39. Like your handwriting? My handwriting is hideous.

It’s gotten worse since I’ve lost more muscle control. I can’t make my hands do what they’re supposed to do pretty often. I can still type okay, I suppose, which is how I can continue to write.

40. Have any bad habits? See the questions about alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. Add to those nailbiting.

A few. I’ve eliminated, or significantly cut down on the ones listed.

41. Care about looks? More than I should.

My vision isn’t good. I do notice something from time to time, but not terribly 0ften. It’s a good day when I notice my wife’s face.

42. Believe in witches? See the entries on my ex-girlfriend.

See, I have no idea which ex I was talking about here. I really bear no animus towards any of my exes at this point. But I don’t know. Given my lack of belief in the “dark arts,” I’d say, “no.” Are there wholly-evil women on the planet? Certainly.

43. Believe in Satan? I’m more certain there’s no Satan or hell than I’m certain there’s no god.

Not with the latter, but still very skeptical of the former.

44. Ghosts? I find them intriguing, but I’ve never seen one.

Still very skeptical.

45. Santa Claus? Nope.

Logically, I know there isn’t one. That he liked my father’s favorite libation should have tipped me off. But I really am not of the opinion that having kids believe in such things is a bad thing.

46. The Easter Bunny? Nope.

Nope.

47. The Tooth Fairy? He was inconsistent. And, really, who wants teeth?

Nope.

48. Have a second family? Eek, no. One is enough.

Still the same. I’m wondering how the story of Charles Kuralt had missed me at that point. I mean, I worked for a CBS affiliate at the time. How did this never cross my radar? My mother loved watching him.

49. Trust others easily? Nope.

I’m not sure how I’d answer this today. Do I trust too easily? Maybe. Or maybe I don’t have the idea that people are out to get me. I don’t think that the vast majority of people are out to intentionally hurt me (or anyone else). Just not how humans operate. One of the discussions my wife and I’ve had is about Anne Frank’s generally-positive view of people. I’m kind of there with her.

That said, I am very big on making people state the ends of their controlling intentions. You think me doing something is so awful that it justifies having someone kill me ot stop it? Okay. Glad we got that out there.

50. Like sarcasm? It depends. I don’t like that I’m so sarcastic sometimes. But then….

I don’t know that it’s necessarily sarcasm I appreciate.

51. Feel understood most of the time? Hah!

No, but, then, I’m so rarely in public, there’s not a lot of opportunity for it.

52. Like sappy love songs? Some are strangely appealing.

Same.

53. This question, for some crazy reason, wasn’t available. So I’ll fill it in….Kirk or Picard? Kirk.

Still Kirk. And RIP to Uhuru. But, in considered retrospection, I think the best starfleet captain was Sisko.

54. Untie your shoes everytime you take them off? Depends upon which pair.

Same. I don’t wear shoes very often. Even when I do, they’re often not laced. But I don’t think I often just slip off tied shoes.

55. Wear overalls? I gave up redman at the same time.

Oh. RED MAN. I think this was snark about chewing tobacco. Ummmm…yeah, I can’t remember wearing overalls since about age five.

56. Think you are strong? Emotionally? Physically? Yes, no.

Same and same.

57. Like skittles? Uhh…

So. Much. Sugar.

58. Like to shop? No.

Same.

59. Look like anyone famous? Not anyone famous, really. I get really off-the-wall ones. Someone once told me I look like Neil Young. How sick.

I don’t really know of anyone, no.

60. Think Brad Pitt looks good? I’m having trouble restraining myself. Mmmmm….Brad Armpit

Um.

61. Have your own phone line? Cellphone

If there was a pre-9/11 question…

I have a couple of VOIIP numbers, but connecting the phones is an exercise in futility with my ISP. They forward to my cellphone, which has had the same number since 1999.

62. Enjoy filling out this kinda stuff? It keeps me from doing actual work. I’ve already worked too much this week.

I was tempted to quit about fifteen questions ago.

63. Have a pool? Nope.

There’s one in my apartment complex. I’ve never been.

64. Have a spa? does it count when you stick the shower massage down into the bathtub while taking a bath?

I think there’s a hot tub over by the complex’s pool. But I wish they had a sauna and an ice bath. I’d really like to try that now.

65. Like jewelry? I wear a ring and a watch. I think that says everything.

Prety much the same. Wedding ring. Ppdometer.

66. Have a web site? Yes.

Yeah. I’m being really derelict in moving it.

67. Like playstation? Nope.

I bought a PS2 sometime not too long after writing this just to play GTA2. I wound up giving it away to my wife’s cousins after theirs died. She got a new gaming console a few years ago, but I never did much with it. Video games really aren’t much fun when you can’t see worth a damn.

68. Nintendo 64? Never played around with one…

Never had one. We had an Atari, a NES, a SNES, and a Genesis. I’m not sure what went to my brother’s ex-wife in their divorce.

69. Sleep a lot? I wish.

Yes. I can normally plow through about nine hours before I need a nap.

70. Get along with your parents? Disgustingly well.

Well, what’s left of Dad is a few miles away six feet under at Arlington National, and my mother’s in a memory care unit. So…?

71. Have AOL? Yes. But it’s not my primary ISP. it has its uses

I will pay for AOL because my mom never got off of it for email. I will probably look at getting rid of it about when I get rid of her old cell number. They don’t cost very much these days.

72. Wear a watch? See question 65.

Yep. See above. But even without the pedometer, I get away without one very often. There’s a clock on the cellphone that’s normally in my pocket.

73. Have braces, or have you ever? Of my extensive dental work, braces haven’t been a part…

No braces, but there isn’t a tooth in my mouth that’s completely natural.

74. Have any scars? What from? Too many to list.

I guess the one that’s still most visible is the one on my right elbow. I got hit by a pitch at about age twelve. You can still sorta see the one on my right eye, but it’s less noticeable with fortysomething crow’s feet.

75. Write poetry? “There’s a place for those who love their poetry…”

Nah.

76. If so, what is your favorite poem you have written? I’d say “Ode to my Choad.” But I didn’t write that one.

Ixnay on the narksay. I don’t know.

77. Make fun of people? Is a pig’s ass pork?

Not nearly as often as I used to.

And that’s finished. Whew.

Yeah, the titles don’t do a lot to describe where I am in this process. This would be entry eleven in what I do during the summer. Maybe I’ll add them going forward.

I spent a lot of the day yesterday listening to various podcasts, and considering what’s going on. I subjected myself to two episodes of Part of the Problem. The first was really good. The second kind of erased a lot of the demount I felt in the morning. Just shut the fuck up about things you don’t understand. Every time you opine about the law, your lack of understanding becomes more and more evident.

All that said, I wonder if my objection is really to the importance they LPMC kids are placing on going Antiwar.

No.

The same could be said of war that could be said of pimpin’ — it ain’t easy, but it’s necessary. Sometimes.

So, I’m coming to the realization that I’m not antiwar. I’m pro going home when the operation is finished. No sanctions. No boots remaining on the ground afterwards. Just go home.

Maybe P.J. O’Rourke’s book title was running through my head; Give War A Chance.

Again, it ain’t easy, but it’s necessary. Sometimes. Yes, you take steps to prevent it as best you can, but if you no longer can, fight, kick ass, and go home.

So. News.

I linked a couple of days ago to the bigtime thunderstorm in Vegas. I was wondering how it was going refilling the lake, which I think I mistakenly attached an extra “e” on the end or, Lake Mead.

Nope. It’s still empty. And there’s some interesting things showing up with the low water levels.

(Somewhat-related — my wife and I bought a Paramount+ subscription last night to try and watch the new Beavis and Butthead movie. Had to pick through and get things to find my ancient CBS All Access login to get the subscription set up. But I finally got it. The app on the TV kept crashing. My wife did get the original one to play; I was dozing off, but I do remember seeing the scene from the Hoover Dam. “Is that a God Damn?” We did get the movie to play on a different device connected to the TV. I would give the new movie a solid “B.” Other TV stuff? Trying to decide what to do for the upcoming NFL season. Unfortunately, where I am, there’s no option for anything than one of the cable companies. The service is okay, but it’s expensive. After two years of paying a ton for some things we didn’t use, we backed down to just Internet, and re-subscribed to Hulu with Live TV. But I want to see some stuff on Reelz, so I’m conflicted. The cable company carries Reelz. I could also subscribe to a different streaming service for a few months…..pfft.)

Other stuff…

POTUS has COVID. And again. The remedies that were supposed to fix everything haven’t. Oh well. Leave people alone, and take care of the folks who get sick when they get sick.

It’s not that tough.

Working in a bit of a void with a little dog who’s upset that she can’t continue scratching her chest.

Poor little thing. But she’s bonding well with my wife as the head of the household.

Next step will be to try to get her on FaceTime with my mom.

I got the lease renewal for out abode here in the swam (Sadly, there’s nothing on KnowYourMeme about that….)

Glance at news. This from KY. One of my high school classmates actually died in a flood in KY, umm, twentyish years ago? Same sort of situation. He drove around ROAD CLOSED barriers, and got swept away. That there were beer cans found in the car, and I seem to remember him being stoned a lot in high school made this probably more likely.

Suspect that this won’t work as intended. This si the sort of thing that typically used to be done in the “lame duck” session on their way out of town. My suspicion is that they know their loss is a foregone conclusion, so why not go ahead and do it before the election?

VM move is something I need to finish, but I’m having trouble finding motivation.

I keep getting distracted from this, so I think I’m gonna go and play with the dog.

I really don’t have a lot to write about today. Just sitting on the couch with the demidog (OS X autocorrect fixed that for me…no, I typed it correctly….lesser-dog).

I really should have prepared better for this space, but I was kind of otherwise-occupied with travel concerns.

I did end up working some the past two days. The first one was just direction about a report I’m helping with, yesterday was trying to piece together some of what I’ve missed over the past week.

Getting distracted from writing this as I tick things off my to-do list for the day. The dog is sound asleep on the couch next to me.

She did stir when a story I popped up while looking for this made noise. That is absolutely nuts. I wonder if Lake Meade is refilling.

The whole desert flood thing was something I didn’t really comprehend until I went to Arizona in 2006. Just deep canals that are dry most of the tike…except when it rains;

I guess the story is much the same with the LA river as its often depicted in movies.

We get some here, too, but we’re not too far from the Potomac; things run off pretty quickly.

I should go find NFL preview magazines since training camps are opening….

I was a bit circumspect about where I was the past few days.

The answer?

Biloxi, Mississippi. My parents’ hometown.

My mother moved back down there this spring. She waited a while for her brand new house to be built, and finally moved in. Unfortunately, not even two weeks into the new place, her heath issues escalated to the point where she needed to be in assisted living. We looked at getting someone in-home, but the costs were too high.

So we’ve got a house that isn’t completely cared-for, ready to live in. Much of what I spent time doing was things like getting the alarm system installed, and getting the water turned back on.

Still some things to do as far as getting the place ready, but it’s a lot closer.

I do feel like, now, I could stay there the next time I come down to visit. Is it ready for someone to live in? No. Next big thing is to find someone to tend to the lawn and greenery. But I feel better about it.

It’s a gorgeous place. Expansion to a new development. Not terribly far away from civilization, and within earshot of my parents’ high school.

My godmother said that my mom was excited about being able to hear band practice from her patio.

But we’re trying to get things fully taken care-of, then decide how to deal with it.

If I lived closer, it’d probably be easier. I have relatives who can help, but it’s just a matter of getting everything aligned.

The other reason for the visit was smaller in stature, but probably as big in logistics. Certainly, more difficult to set aside until I’m ready to deal with it…

Say hello to my little friend.

My mother had adopted her while she was still working, and had been her companion. While the facility where my mom is now allows pets, it is up to the resident to provide all the care for the pet. My mom isn’t even allowed outside, aside from the residents’ courtyard in the middle of the building.

But I’m home now, so transition days. I’ve got some work to do today and tonight, and probably will take tomorrow off as another rest day. Back full-bore on Monday.

Other thoughts about the Landmass?

1. The weather, by and large, isn’t terribly oppressive the closer you are to the beach. Inland it gets uncomfortable. We went to Mary Mahoney’s for lunch the last day I was there. My godmother was my mother’s maid-of-honor at her wedding, and the rehearsal dinner had been at Mary Mahoney’s almost fifty years ago. We went to lunch. It was very, very good.
2. I guess I’ve gotten accustomed to the densely-packed locales of the East Coast. Long drives are kind of par-for-the-course down there. But it doesn’t feel as separated as it does up here. I know my wife and I were looking at potential landing spots that wouldn’t be considered far-away down there, but would be a long distance away up here. There was another place that I’d looked at where the train went through. Even if the drive is only 30 minutes, it’d be an unbearable slog. I’m to the point where I don’t really even enjoy going into the District anymore.
3. 5G still is iffy some places. I was hoping that I’d have useful Intertubes on my train ride from DC to Hattiesburg. No. The WiFi on the train was only usable about half of the basically day-long trip, and things didn’t get a lot better when I got to Biloxi. The networks in the hotel was nearly unusable most of the time, too. I got a throttle warning from my cell company saying that I was up against my bandwidth limit until….something like 20 August. Oops. I need to go finish my write up on the latest Notes of a Goon.

But I’m home. It’s comfortable. Time to do some more things here and there.